Ok, I have yet to work on the most important part of my Query Letter for my Novel, but I have sated the sleeping dragon. I realized recharging my batteries was more important than the multitudes of deadlines I imposed on myself. So, as I left my day job, sleet ( a wintery mix of ice and rain) began to trickle down from the heavens. A familiar bone chilling wind hit my face, and I was brought back to a better time.
I remembered myself as a child, coming in from the winter after hours of play on the south shore. I grew up in the suburbs between Montreal proper, and the end of the Appalachian ( for my US readers) mountains. I knew I wanted stew, but not just any kind – it wasn’t exactly French, but it was made with French technique. My father, a Serb/Croatian would favor thick hearty stews, and left me with the know how.
I spent an hour preparing all of the ingredients, and subsequently another two hours of cooking time. All I had eaten was oatmeal for breakfast, and four chocolate chip cookies for lunch ( because we all try to eat healthy meals apparently.) Thirty minutes into cooking. I chastised myself every time I would reach to tear open the pot and devour whatever was there our of sheer survival, but my head won out. Patience would reward me with layers of flavor.
Sitting down with that first bowl soothed something deep within me. I wasn’t judging myself for what I didn’t do for the day, and allowed myself to take in a bit of life before it starts all over again. This is my mental break. I know I’m no closer to being a bestselling Author the longer my Query collects digital dust, but I had to stop beating myself up about my unrealistic production goals. The Query will come, but like the stew, I have to layer the flavors, carefully prepare each sentence before I combine them all on the page to create something so savory, that I will have my choice of Agents and Publishers.
So far it’s been three days in a row that I’ve actually written sequentially on here. I should feel bad for that, and calling myself a writer – but it’s ok. I am perfectly imperfect. Rome was not built in a day, and my writing career will not be either. One ingredient at a time.
Remember the last thing a fascist regime wants is people to make more art because art makes people think. It’s ok to use your art as an act of protest.
Here I am again, its my day off from my day job and I am struggling to find motivation. The urge to procrastinate looms over me. I’m on my second movie of the day while I am cleaning and doing laundry. The first was ‘Tremors’, and the second that I am currently on, is ‘Julie and Julia.’)
I’ve also decided to be cruel to myself and not play my favorite video game until my daily writing is done. This is the same tactic I used to write my first full length Novel. The bait at that time was Skyrim, and now that I have plunged deeper down the rabbit hole, Elder Scrolls Online (AKA Online Skyrim) is my current drug of choice.
Focusing on my writing seems to be a roller coaster. One moment its all I can think about doing, the urge almost overwhelming… Then I sit down and nothing comes out. It’s like my inner writer is constipated, and I can’t get it out. The urge and the need is there, but my brain is on vacation.
I don’t understand why something that makes me so happy can plunge me into sadness. No, I know why. Remember those days when all you have to do is sit at type and suddenly an hour has passed with a few thousand words as the only evidence of what just happened. The good writing days. That’s what we are hopeful for every time we sit down. We start the ritual hopeful, but only rarely does it happen. Yet, we still sit and try consistently because we want to catch that feeling.
Once again after a long time of restful sleep, my lack of sense of accomplishment pulls me out of dreamland. I’m tired and on the verge of tears. I feel like my forward momentum has stalled out.
I decided it was time to tell the truth and share my feelings about breaking into a writing career. I know for a fact that I am not the only person who is feeling this way, yet we keep on going with the show. The show must go on.
We are all trying to break into this writing gig full time, and we are all struggling to create some facet of an authors platform. We ignore the uneasy feeling in our gut as we feign that we are fine and everything is fine around us, and that success is flowing quickly towards us like some bad infomercial late at night. “In just three easy steps, you too can be a bestselling author!”
My truth is that I am tired. I’m stuck on the hamster wheel- stuck between my day job and the career I want. Working for survival will always steal any and all energy you have or planned to use to go towards your dreams, such as mine.
The time I was a stay at home wife presented me with a Novel I wrote in just one month. I accomplished something more than the multitude of others who cant bring themselves to write a long string of narrative. Now that I am working full time hours to keep my car, and paying off student loans, I am too exhausted to work on my passions.
The grind of our day jobs wears us down to nubs like a bad relationship that demands all of you, and no one else can have you. It’s even worse if you are good at what you do, and your boss sees you are a hard worker. This is the problem. We get stuck and we struggle to pull ourselves out of a vortex of our own creation. The more we struggle, the more the sides of the hole crumble and bury us.
So here is my action plan as a writer. Like all you other writers out there, I have my daily writing goal. I will focus on only one project at a time ( I have seven I have been grinding through at once), and I will make the effort to write in this blog everyday. Even if it is non coherent babble. Why? Because I need you and everyone else in this funk know that they are not alone. The depression and guilt we place on ourselves shouldn’t be hidden from each other. We are all humans, and we have feelings no matter how irrational.
I want to enrich peoples lives, and help inspire them. I cant do that if I am not first honest and vulnerable.
I can’t lie, emotionally it feels like everything I have worked so hard for is fracturing underneath me and any second my foundation will collapse.
Up until now I have kept a secret. In August my husband was electrocuted by a machine at work. He recived no medical attention and was told to get back to work. Suffice it to say, I forced him to go to the ER. However, it was too late to do anything- and any danger signs were gone. We were warned that one of the dangers were seizures. A week later I discovered the horror of watching someone I love whom is near 280 lbs of muscle begin to seize and flail while I held him the best I could to avoid him hitting his head on the concrete. Then I used my fists pressing down on either side of his jaw to prevent him from fully severing his tongue from his body.
Afterwards begun the downward spiral of workers comp (and the owner of my husbands company giving us lip service to avoid getting sued himself made arrangement with workers comp to stall help) trying everything they could to prevent my husband from seeing a neurologist (which the ER doctor said was required as she was not qualified to say the seizure was related to the electrocution.)
Fast forward six months and my credit cards are maxed out- our car is about to be repossessed, and phones shut off. Thankfully we found a lawyer who was horrified at what was happening, stepped in, took on the financial burden of getting him to a neurologist- and got a hearing approved to take down the corporations that were predatory, and pay for everything beyond pain and suffering.
So here I am, some hope for a better future, but I am still paralyzed. I have been carrying the burden of everything as my husband is unable to work and suffering from clinical depression mixed with serious back pain and withdrawals from being unable to take his depression medication. I am tired.
I want to write, but I’m sitting watching Netflix. Emotional exhaustion has left me unable to care about anything.
I want to live in my stories but I am left fighting to do what makes me happy. This post is proof that sometimes emotional healing is more important than word count and added pages.
So this is my workspace- putting loose notes into designated folders.
New Years Eve seems to be an unofficial holiday. Today is the day in which we all take a moment to reflect upon the past and our progress thus far. Many people will assess that they were a failure for yet another year, and my heart hurts for them. This is because they focused on the wrong areas of thier life. This past year was an experiment in self progression which was the most difficult thing I have ever done, including watching my father pass away before me in 2012.
(My life Pre 2014)
In 2013 a story jumped in my head, I noted it, then let it fall back to my subconcious as I was not ready for it. Slowly over time the story demanded more and more of my attention. As im sure you guys are tired of hearing it by now, but NaNoWriMo 2014 LITERALLY changed my life. Walking into that challenge I had spent two years of being agoraphobic, unemployed, and cut off from my emotions.
Come Nano 2014, I was jobless and needed something to occupy my time. I failed 2008 NaNo challenge, but walked in thinking “Eh, even if I fail, I have more of a story than when I started.” That thought began the chain reaction to where I am now. The fear of failure, and defeat were countered with one phrase.
(The music video that inspired one of the antagonists in my Novel.)
Suddenly I had a manuscript. Even though the story has almost completley changed since that first draft ( thank GOD). What was born that day was my willingness to better my life. If I could accomplish something as daunting as a novel draft, what else could I accomplish? I then spent a year restructuring my book – not re writing – RESTRUCTURING.
(Starting a new buissness with a friend.)
New Years eve 2016 I partnered with a friend to begin the formulation of a company called “Dusk Publishing.” I put my novel on hold- not because I wanted to procrastinate on it, but because I needed it to ferment in my brain. 2016 was a year of learning buisness practices, proposals, P&L spreadsheets, and focusing on building an empire with a strong foundation ( granted in hindsight, I should have taken a more active role in how the finances were handeled, that blind faith that others were operating as ethically as I was, that I was a documented co owner, treated as an equal- but that was a lesson I had to learn the hard way.)
(How I felt when I discovered my buisness partner was not just taking advantage of me, but others in the buisness. Buisness is never personal, and can be ruthless – I acted on behalf of those to this day have no idea how that person took advantage of them – but I refuse to be party to those crimes.)
Come 2017, I went from cripling anxiety to holding panels and leading teams into conventions networking with powerful people. Suffice it to say, 2017 was the year everything about me changed. I no longer buckled under the weight of how others percived me, and my endless quest to have everyone like me. I have learned that with success of any kind people will come for you. They are too preoccupied with lowering you so they can bring themselves up.
(That moment when you realize your self worth, and earn your own respect.)
“If they are coming for you, you are doing something right.” – Anna Sabolstice ( Dear friend and co worker)
The year of personal, professional, and emotional progress was achived. It took many years, but looking back I am in every way shape and form a better and stronger version of myself.
(Getting over my own hangups, working on myself, and letting the opinions of others not shape my self image and choices.)
“But Raechel, your buisness failed – how can you count that as a win?” I realized even though a buisness may fail, I NEVER FAILED. Why? Because I took risks, and LIVED. I didnt cower and simply exist. I grabbed my life by the balls and fought for every second of it. A list of accomplishments is pointless if there is no personal growth to back it up. I am 150% better than I previously was.
This is my reflection of my progress to this point. I now know I am greater than the list of my accomplishments and failures. They are simply proof that I tried where others did not. I am eager to see what leaps 2018 will bring.
There are some MASSIVE DEVEOLPMENTS in the works – as I’m sure many have assumed I have been paralized with failure, and they are welcome to think that. The truth is that I have been assessing and pivoting myself. Laying the foundation for something even larger. I now know what habits and processes are faulty and I have stripped those away. Beware of the silence if you are against me – I am here to serve humanity. I am not in this life for personal glory, I am here to better this world, and god help you if you get in my way. As Spock said, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
SO, I walk into 2018 ready to do something even greater than I have ever accomplished before ( Dorothy had the power to go home at any point – she had the tools, she just had to realize it for herself first.). I refuse to recoil and go back to old habits and ways of life. I will be the change I wish to see in the world. I now have the proof that it IS in fact, possible. Money follows as a bi-product for serving humanity. The end goal is not amassing and hoarding money – seek to serve others and it will find its way to you.
Remember – you are NOT the sum of your accomplishments and failures. With that in mind, what progress have you made with yourself. I’m not asking for vanity progresses like loosing ten pounds – I’m asking for your personal progress here. Your weight will vary througout the year. If you were to die at midnight tonight – what progress would you reflect on about youself? Tell me, not what you have failed at this year – but what forms of progress have you made for youself.
Okay- it is QWITE clear that I kinnnnnnda fell out of the habit about reporting my success/ defeats and what I was learning about my personal writing processes.
Good news- reached the 50k goal, but still have five partially complete chapters left to finish.
So you win some/ you loose some…
So this December I am working on finishing those chapters and getting the full book into my dedicated beta readers hands. I have three that are tired of hearing ‘it’s almost done, hold on.’ They were ready for the rest after reading the first act and I promised them it would be written– a year ago, so…….
So long story short, the Novel has developed and progressed so much more since after it was originally written.
I have learned the valuable lesson that some things cannot be rushed as much as you would like for them to be. Art takes time. When you rush art, you get sloppy art. You have to go at the pace that your art dictates. You cannot force it to move any faster.
Non spoiler review of The Last Jedi- on the next episode of undercover Boss Matt has a horrible day at work and seeks to shake up the current corporate structure, and even attempts to go for an outside -hire co chair.
I want to punch today in the face. Day job B did its best to lower my morale before I could even type my words for the day. ( to be clear – this is not due to any of the actual work, or people I interacted with – the day just ended like this out of nowhere.)
Theres no reason for the day to make me so angry and dejected. No one put me here but myself – and today I just want to devour a vat of ice cream, scream at everything, and sleep until next century.
The oddest part is that none of this has to even do with Nano. Except I still got on my computer and tried to work a scene out. Other than that the day is a wash. It is safe to say my writing is the one thing good about my day. I just wish I could fall into it right now. The process can be so healing – but these emotions I’ve ‘sicked’ on myself make it to where I loathe my prose and verbage.
Why couldnt my writing not work today? Then I could write it off as an off day…. but apparently self loathing is the theme for my day and who am I to deny it?
Anyone else feel like your day just ‘Mad Max-ed’ itself? Are you feeling shiny and chrome? Do you wish someone would be your blood bag? I know I do. Misery loves company. Please let me know I’m not alone in this. Comment below.
Woke up to a rainy day. I was ready to take the day off not because I felt lethargic, but because I was still on the writers high from the day before. I didnt get to reward myself with Elder Scrolls Online post writing celebration, so I was thrown off.
There was a ‘Zen’ about today. No major word counts achived, but I still did a LOT of work adding and subtracting between several documents I was peicing together to string one long narrative that made sense. The bridge between new and old writing.
While I still came in contact with some really foul past writing, I also noticed the ‘cringe factor’ wasnt as strong as it previously was. The ‘Cringe Factor’ is what I like use as a way to decribe the emotional and mental anguish writing you have done in the past creates. For instance, I am well past college, and if I pick up some writing I penned in elementary, it would most definatley result in a cringe.
There is a saying ( whom said it I cannot recall at this moment however) is:
“You have to get the bad words out. After about a million or so it gets better.”
I did however paraphrase the saying, but the sentiment is the same. It is difficult to re read your work and see the bad every time, until that day when the bad writing isnt terribly bad, but you know you can do better. That is a very healthy mental place to be.
I also would like to take this time out to thank my dear friends, fellow nano-ers, and authors Becca U., Beth Howard, and C. A. Greyson for being fantastic human beings. They are such talented individuals that I cant wait to see what this round of Nano will be created by them.
So we are already a week in, and I am catiously optimistic. I fear being too comfortable with my position as it is the perfect opportunity to loose steam and let procrastination burst through the door.
In contrast to yesturdays post ( read it HERE,) where I used the analogy of writing being like water drops in a bucket, I found myself in a very different situation.
In Japan there is a waterfall in which people take a pilgrimage for spiritual clensing. They donn basic white cotton fabric, and place themselves under the torrents of the falling water as they meditate. In contrast to the few hundred words from the day before, I alowed 3k words wash over me. I completley rewrote an entire chapter in two and a half hours ( and a very tricky one at that!)
To a writer, that is the equivalent of a spiritual clensing. Especially when the scene actually works, is conductive to the pacing, and story. I am not naive in thinking more days like this will follow. In fact, I know in a writers life these days are few and far between. It is for that, that I will allow myself to celebrate the accomplishments I achived in only one week of continued focus. It is days like this that writers are reminded why they write. Why they care enough to create. I am thankful for not only this week, but today. Today.
How did your first week of NaNoWriMo go? No answer is bad. If you are still struggling to get the first thousand words, you are still winning. Why? Because you willed something into existence. Tell us about your own journey in the comments below!
Also be sure to catch up with my Nano prep series:
Author R.A. Gasparac 
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